Yesterday marked exactly a week since our sweet baby Lincoln Eugene gained his angel wings.
Like many
of you who have come to offer your condolences, showed up at the hospital, our
home, or sent cards, I have also tried to search for the words to say
I will start by telling our story
of the last week. Kenny and I went into
the labor and delivery room triage (it’s like an ER for pregnant women). I was having pains all night and they weren’t
going away. Once we got there and they
got me all hooked up to the monitor, it was showing I was having mild
contractions. I was extremely
uncomfortable from all of the excess amniotic fluid that I had caused by the
hydrops. I was measuring the size of a
woman who would be carrying FULL TERM twins.
My uterus was extended so much that it was over the 45 week mark. So, in order to relieve some of the pressure
so I could breathe easier, and so that the contractions would stop, they
decided to remove some of the fluid.
They removed over 2 liters (a little over 4lbs of just amniotic
fluid). It was pretty intense. Once that procedure was done, I was told to
rest for around 48 hours.
So, that weekend I parked it in bed. I felt a good 24 hour relief, but on Sunday I
started to feel all the same things happening.
I was tired. I couldn’t get
comfortable. It was hard to
breathe. Things just weren’t right. I just wanted things to be “normal”, which is
so far from what our lives have been these past few months. Monday, I decided I could go to work. If you know me, you know that I hate to miss
work or my responsibilities. I guess
that’s the stubborn and hard headed side of me.
After a long, exhausting day at
work, I came home and just sat down and felt even worse. Luckily we had an appointment scheduled with
our doctor that Tuesday, the next day, at 8:30am. I told Kenny that I could feel something was
happening and I didn’t see me coming home after my appointment on Tuesday. I have always been in tune with my body and I
could just feel something wasn’t right, especially after the last few days that
we had.
We went to our appointment, and
surely enough, we were admitted into the hospital for high blood pressure and
just a little spill of protein in my urine.
Both of these are indicators of the nasty disease called
preeclampsia. I was hooked up to
monitors for blood pressure, contractions, and also was on an IV drip to
hydrate me and get to me be able to urinate.
The doctors were concerned when they noticed I wasn’t urinating hardly
at all, my blood pressures weren’t going down, and I was very swollen all over
my body.
Very early Wednesday morning, the
doctors came in with the words that I could just feel were coming. “We have to deliver today.” Imagine all the fear you have bottled up into
over 2 months of carrying your child, and triple that. That is how I felt. Our baby boy is only 26 weeks old. He is very sick already with his hydrops. If we deliver, how is he supposed to survive?
The doctors made this very quick and intense decision because my body was
developing mirror syndrome (google it).
I was swelling up, and I was on the cusp of renal failure. So, we had to do an emergency c-section. I lost a lot of blood during the process and
was almost given a blood transfusion. A
little of three more liters of fluid were removed again as well. It turned out to be a very serious ordeal
that we didn’t expect to happen so fast.
Now that you’ve heard all the
medical stuff, I want to share the most important moments that we’ve had over
the last week. It is truly amazing how
God works even in the worst of circumstances.
For instance, Monday night while I was sitting and cuddling with Layla
before bed, Lincoln was kicking like crazy.
Layla quickly put her hands on my tummy and he jabbed her real
quick. She LOVED this. She STILL talks about it, and it makes
everyone smile when she does. Maybe it was his special way of saying goodbye to
his sweet big sister. She knew that
Mommy wasn’t feeling well, and each time she would take her favorite blanket
(if you know her, you know this is a huge deal), and cover my stomach and rub
it. She was showing, in the only way she
knew how, that she cared about Lincoln.
She wanted him to feel the comfort that her blankie gave her. She wanted to help. These moments are so precious, and I will
never forget them.
It was a rather rainy day the day
Lincoln was born. The rain was just
pouring down that morning. I know the
weather doesn’t detect a certain person’s circumstances, but at this moment, I
felt like God knew how we felt. We had a
pastor come in and pray with us before we went in. The nurse, our friend Michele, the pastor,
and Kenny and I all grabbed hands and prayed.
Our tears poured much like the rain outside. We were preparing to meet our little boy, and
also to give him back to God at the same time.
It was a very bittersweet moment.
A sense of peace reached my heart and I knew, at that moment, that we
would get the chance to tell Lincoln how much loved he was and always will
be.
We went in, and soon the doctors
asked “Mom, Dad, he’s out, do you want to see him before we take him to the
doctors?” OF COURSE WE DID. They held
him up, and despite how swollen he was, he was perfect in our eyes. The took him over to the bed to check him
out, weigh him, and assess his situation.
Kenny went over immediately and got to hold all 8lbs of him. He brought him over, already talking to him
and telling him how awesome he was. I
touched his face, tears running down mine, telling him how so special he
was. Kenny perked up and said “I felt
him move!! Babe, I felt him move!!” What a miracle that alone was. I got to feel him move for months, and now he
fought long enough to meet his Daddy.
When Kenny set him on my chest as they were still working on me, I just
closed my eyes and felt it all in. It
was such a happy moment. It was just
like the moment any child is born, whether they are healthy or not. He got to hear my voice, feel my touch….feel
my love.
…..so much love.
We got an hour and 13 minutes with him, alive. Holding him. Rocking him. Telling him how much we love him. How prayed for he was by so many different
people. How wanted he has been before we
even knew we were expecting. How proud
of him we were for how hard and long he fought.
I got to hold him as he took his last breath. It was a peaceful moment. Kenny and I hugged and kissed him. The picture that you see of us holding him
was how peaceful the whole process was at the time. We wanted his time with us, on earth, to be
the best time. Imagine all the love you
can feel all packed into your entire life.
All goodness, happiness, peace and love.
That’s exactly what we wanted for him, and that’s exactly what he got.
No one thought he would make it as
long as he did, and certainly no one thought he would hold on a little over an
hour for us. I strongly believe he held
on, just long enough, to meet his Mom and Dad and hear our voices, feel our
touch, and experience the everlasting love that every child deserves to
feel.
Now, we heal…
Each day brings on new challenges as well as new forward
motion. Our house feels empty, and our
hearts feel broken. We have been blessed
with wonderful family, friends, and a beautiful, healthy daughter. But we will always feel a sense of emptiness
without Lincoln. The loss of a child is
unbearable and words cannot express how breaking it is.
I want to thank you all for praying for him through this
journey. God planned everything just how
it was supposed to be, even if it’s not how we wanted it to end. Your thoughts, prayers, and continued support
have been comforting and are all appreciated.
I will continue to share our journey on here because I know it will be
quite a long one.
Close your eyes for Lincoln today and breath in the fresh
air.
Here’s a poem I wrote for him while I was still in the hospital…it’s
not much but it’s special just for him.
Lincoln, you are loved all the way to the sky
You have touched my life, and today, for you, I cry
We prayed for you, my sweet little boy
Daddy was excited, and I was filled with joy
We went to the hospital today, and the doctors seemed
concerned
My body was shutting down, and you were doing worse, we
learned
The doctors came in and said, “It’s time to go”
I hugged my belly tight, my love for you I’ll always show
We gathered hands, together we would pray
For peace and strength to make it through the day
You made your debut, you were so strong
We held you tight even when they told us “It won’t be long”
You will always be perfect in our eyes
“I love you’s” tears, but not goodbyes
As you gained your wings like that of a flawless dove
Know you’ve stolen our hearts and will have our everlasting
love
