Embrace. Gratitude. Thanks.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” ― Thomas Merton

It is about time I update you all on Lincoln.  Last week, after my last post, I got a call from my doctor saying that they have a possibility of doing a procedure on him while he is in utero.  SO, I went in to meet with another doctor and see what we could do.

They think they found the cause of the hydrops that has consumed our sweet little baby.

According to the doctors, there is an extra vessel that is stemming off of the abdominal aortic valve.  It is going up through the liver and connecting with the umbilical vein.  Like I said, this is an EXTRA vessel that should not be there.  It is circulating blood around, causing the heart to work extra hard; hence, the hydrops.  The doctor wanted to see if he could get in there and shrink the vein so that the flow of blood would decrease and the hydrops would then resolve.  Unfortunately, the placement of the baby, and the fact that there are so many other very important veins and life lines right by it, they decided (after looking for over an hour) that they just couldn't perform the procedure without ending Lincoln's life.

This was just heartbreaking.  We had so much hope in this ONE thing that they thought they could do. Instead, they told us we are "nearing the end".

This week we have gone in twice to see how he is doing.  He is still stable despite the hydrops getting much worse.  I still have a massive amount of amniotic fluid (I am measuring full term right now), my blood pressures are fine, and my protein is fine as well.  At this point we don't have many options or interventions to help him.

If you know me, you know I tend to ask a lot of questions.  I asked her what the chances are of this happening again and what went wrong.  Often, I blame myself for this sweet precious baby.  Did I do something wrong? Why couldn't my body take better care of him? I feel so helpless as a mom, it is just an awful feeling. Many tears have been shed, many prayers have been sent. The doctors believe it was just one tiny little thing that went wrong very early on in his formation that caused it.  We have had all of the chromosomal, genetic, and viral tests and all of them came back perfectly normal.

We don't know why things like this happen in life.  Why would such a little soul have to go through so much? What I do know is that this isn't my plan.  It's HIS plan.  No, I don't understand.  But what I do understand is that this, as awful as it is, is part of a much bigger plan for me, Kenny, and Layla and everyone else affected by this.  It is very hard but I am trying to embrace the situation that I am in.  Embracing that I cannot change what has happened, and embracing his little kicks and movements that I still get to share with him.  I am also constantly reminding myself to search for gratitude.  It is easy to dive into self-pity and depression, but there are still things to be grateful for.  I have a beautiful family, the best friends a person could ask for, and I do have this little baby growing inside of me.  All of those make me smile and I am grateful for all of them.

Thank you to everyone who has stopped by to just hang out, the cards, my mom for staying here for a whole week and helping out around the house, and all who have come to one of my doctors appointments.  I know you all probably feel helpless too, but just getting your text messages, Facebook posts, calls, and all else is VERY appreciated and it IS supporting us.  Thanks for all the prayers, positive thoughts, hope and faith.  We are feeling it, and God is hearing it.

Kodyjo

There is always hope. 

I carry your heart

I guess I'll start off by saying that today was a very hard day.  

We had another appointment today regarding Lincoln.  Unlike the last post, things have gotten somewhat worse.  The fluid around his skin has gotten significantly worse, and the fluid around his lungs has also gotten worse.  They found some fluid in his abdomen as well.  Not a significant amount, but the fact that it's there isn't a good sign.  There isn't fluid around his heart which is good, and it's beating nice and strong.  Blood flow throughout the body and to the brain is also good.  My doctor noticed today that the placental blood flow is still normal, but it's on the outer end of normal and she predicts that it will become abnormal in the next few weeks.  Which means that he will need to be delivered within this month (most likely) if we want to proceed with aggressive treatment.  

Now most of you know, I am not very far along.  I am currently 23 weeks. The doctor said that right around 24 weeks they can deliver babies and have an outcome of survival. That is also with HEALTHY babies, and we know that little Lincoln is a very sick little boy it seems.  So the outcome is very slim that he will make it if he comes out this early.  This news is very grim and very scary.  To put it all into words is much harder then how it feels.  

SO, what are we going to do? We are going to take things week by week.  Of course we hope that the placental blood flow will continue to stay normal so he can stay inside and grow as long as he possibly can.  The longer he grows inside, with good blood flow, the better.  We have spoken to the neonatologist about how we want to proceed once little Lincoln is out, whenever that may be.  

We are still hoping and praying and relying on faith.  Are we discouraged? Yes. Scared? More then ever.  I read daily about these precious miracle babies that survive hydrops and I also read mourning families who have lost their babies on this helpless journey.  

I have cried a lot of tears today and in the weeks past.  I have prayed so much and begged to God for a miracle. But sometimes I just need to see clearly that God has his hands in everything.  Even the things that we want and hope for sometimes aren't in his master plan.  Don't take that as us giving up, because that's surely not the case.  I just ask you pray for Kenny and I to find some peace in the process.  

Wanted to give a very HUGE thank you to all of those who were involved in the plant, card, picture, and gift cards that were delivered to our house this past weekend.  Also to those who have sent cards, made goodies, and very generously given us cards to go out to eat.  You all are so thoughtful, generous and kind and a thank you does you no justice in how much you all have touched our hearts.  We are forever grateful for not only the monetary things, but also for the prayers and thoughts.  I hope someday we are able to be there for all of you half has much as you all have been for us. 

Little Lincoln has been kicking this whole entire time I have been writing this blog which tells me he is alive.  Right now, he's a growing baby boy that just needs lots and lots of love.  He carries a piece of my heart.  

Lots of love,

Kodyjo